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catwalking contradiction

Anna. 19. Serbia. Totally random personal blog. Here's a piece of my universe. I am: ambitious. aspiring. hard-working. a perfectionist. a dreamer. asocial. Interested in fashion, modelling and psychology. Recovered from a psychosis. Has struggled with an eating disorder, self harm and depression. Possibly having ADHD. Trying to make life liveable. Aiming to be successful and independent. Wanting to stay strong, confident and to become a woman who is content with herself and her life.

Yet blurry, probably my favorite. selfie. EVER.
16. April 2014

I am back home for 5 days and much needed rest and I’m so glad for it. Dealing with my saucy roommate these couple days was more than stressful. I am relieved to be back here and for spending some time with my family. Also, I’m looking forward to the upcoming Easter. I looove holidays.

There are many things to look forward to. For example: 

  • going to a trip to monastery Ostrog with my mother
  • the end of this semester
  • changing living place in the second (I mean first because I’m changing college) year of uni
  • not having to deal with my roommate which will be after one and a half months
  • changing college - new beggining, a fresh start.

I may not be the best in everything, I may not be good at facing life difficulties, I may not be good at taking challenges, but what is improtant is that I have a very positive approach to life. I always strive to have a positive view about life and people. And that’s what matters.

I’m sorry I have to say this but I am not fully recovered from my eating disorder. Okay, I haven’t had a single thought about binging nor starving, I can eat normally, but what bothers me is my own opinion about being thin. Currently, in trems of look, the most desirable look for me is THIN. Thin, thin and thin. I just look at all those girls with skinny legs, slim figure…and I just crave to be like them. I don’t consider myself beautiful at all. This really has to change…

I was meant to workout this evening but no. I’m just too tired. I want to live a healthy life and therefore, exercising is important for my well being. I’ll start with it tomorrow.

I know I’m boring. But I just had to mention some things. That’s all for now. Bye bye.

14. April 2014

  • Today and yesterday, I was going through the worst time ever. I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m only going to mention that I had a deep talk with my roommate. I am majorly relieved, but still am so uncomfortable about living in this space. I seriously cannot wait to change my living place and am looking forward to it.
  • She was saying things about my boyfriend (her brother) that I didn’t want to hear. She says he has no respect for her, their sister and their parents. But I guess that’s his problem. I can’t change him. I can only make him feel better and bring some light into his life. And I’m more than glad for it. Ok, he is disrespectful. But, on the other hand, I think they are treating him like childish and irresponsible. It’s mutual.
  • I had a really rough time coping today and yesterday. Crying, being disappointed and dispirited, shaking, my heart racing as crazy, you name it. I even felt signs of agoraphobia, but then I bought some snack to keep me distracted while walking down the street and it helped. I need to realize it’s okay to have some rest after being so much stressed. I have an exam on Wednesday, but I’m not so prepared for it and have no motivation to do any studying at all. But, tomorrow will be a bright new day.
  • I’m learning to celebrate life and to praise God. I know God is there for me. I know he put my boyfriend in my boring life and I’m more than grateful. My Mom suggested that christening would be a good thing. I agree. As I’ve mentioned, I know God is there for me and will protect me and help me.
  • I crave for better, brighter, happier days. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I’m going to do my best to make the most of it. My plans are to be productive, to try to stay calm and not to lose faith in everything.